I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There's even glitter on my cock...
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