I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
