how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
