I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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