My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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