I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
