He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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