So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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