I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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