Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
