Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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