Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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