The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
