Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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