i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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