good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
