i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
