Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just gift wrapped bread.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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