I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
