My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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