I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
