If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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