Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
