I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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