I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
