she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
