walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
