Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
