i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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