i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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