eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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