Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
