I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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