There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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