Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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