Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
