i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
