I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
