ya dads aren't the best wingmen
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
