I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
