You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
