I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she smelled like a LAN party
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
