My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
