regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
