ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
