When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
