i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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