Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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