i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
