Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
