The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
