I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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