that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
