I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
