I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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