If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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