Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
