in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
