I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
