What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So many bounce houses so little time
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
