did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
