That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
